"Paul, why are you persecuting me?" Acts 26:14
"I may teach sanctification and yet exhibit the spirit that persecutes Jesus Christ."
"Obstinancy and self will will always stab Jesus Christ. It may hurt no one else, but it wounds his spirit."
"All I do ought to be founded on a perfect oneness with Him, not on a self-willed determination to be godly. This will mean that I can easily be put upon easily over-reached, easily ignored; but if I submit it for His sake I prevent Jesus Christ being persecuted."
"Personal holiness is an effect, not a cause, and if we place our faith in human goodness, in the effect of Redemption, we shall go under when the test comes."
"Paul did not say he separated himself, but-- 'when it pleased God who separated me...' Paul had not a hypersensitive interest in his own character. As long as our eyes are upon our own personal whiteness we shall never get near the reality of Redemption. Workers break down because their desire is for their own whiteness, and not for God. 'Don't ask me to come into contact with the rugged reality of Redemption on behalf of the filth of human life as it is; what I want is anything God can do for me to make me more desirable in my own eyes.' ...... God cannot deliver me while my interest is in my own character. Paul is unconscious of himself, he is recklessly abandoned, separated by God for one purpose-- to proclaim the Gospel of God."
I read the latter portion of the quotes yesterday morning and didn't take any notes. There wasn't anything in particular that stuck out and so I went on to my daily Bible reading. This happens quite often. I brush over something because it takes too much time to digest and I generally don't believe it applies to me. Later that night, I was convicted. I remembered all the times that I felt like scum for the way I treat my husband. Little fits of anger, laziness, being judgmental, being too hard on him. I asked for his forgiveness and sometimes prayed for forgiveness... but why? Was it because I wanted my husband to love me more? or was it because I truly felt the pain of sinning against God? Does it bother me that I can't be good? or does it bother me because it hurts Jesus? There are definitely more examples I conjured up in my heart (or was it conjured up for me?) but I realized something: sometimes I try not to sin because it makes me feel better about myself. That's all wrong for so many reasons.... and I need to get to the point in my relationship with Jesus where it's mostly about living a life that pleases Him and brings Him joy.
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